I don't know what I want. I know I am tired. I can't be a*sed to plan or cook meals. It's all I can do to stay on top of our laundry although last night he got home from work and put a load of washing on and then took it out and hung it up so clearly I missed the boat on that one.
I am feeling very 'blah' at the moment and don't really know why. Life is good - in fact life is bloody fantastic and yet everything seems such an effort to me.
Last Sunday I think he was up at about 6.30 - I think I woke up at about 8.00 - wandered through to the lounge and he was watching something on National Geographic - so I lay on the couch with my head on his lap. At about 9.00 he got up to go to the loo - came back and I was sprawled across the couch so he went to potter around outside. I walked outside at about 10.30 and said "I think I am awake now." He just laughed at me and said "It doesn't really look like you are."
I know my sleeping patterns aren't the best - OK, who am I trying to kid, they are cr*p. But I don't really know what else to do. People have said - exercise, you'll sleep better (In fact, I was one of them because that is what happened to me years and years and years ago, before K was born) - not so much now - even on the nights I go to gym - my sleeping is still not that flash.
I know I am going through menopause, but honestly, I thought it was all under conttrol. Clearly some of it is because I don't have the depression or anxiety attacks that I was suffering from but I certainly don't feel like I am entering the best years of my life or anything like that. In fact I feel like I am slowly just breaking down into a feeling of 'blahness' !
Is it just a mind set that I have to change ? I have been checked out medically and there is nothing wrong with me from that point of view. Is it just near the end of the year and everyone feels like it's all just a little bit too much ? I don't know. But, what I do know is that nearly 26yrs ago, I married a man who has stood by me through thick and thin (literally), who is as patient as the day is long and who gets that right now I just need to be, and not do (which can be frustrating, I know, when we have so much we want to do to the house before we put it on the market - I get that totally).
I just wish I knew the right way to tackle this - do I throw myself into busyness over the weekend and then start off next week even more tired than I am now or do I just say, you know what, maybe the house has to wait. Except then I feel selfish because it isn't only us wanting to sell our house and find another house to move into, it's my folks waiting to sort out their future. I know that it isn't a big thing for them but, my Mom being my Mom, this appears to be stressful for her too - waiting to see where they are going to live.
I think that this weekend may be the weekend we decide what to do and take it from there. I do know that with all the painting that needs to be done, I am going to have to take some time off work because painting only on the weekend or trying to paint at night in the dark, is not the best way to get the job done. Maybe I need to get a quote to get the two loungerooms, diningroom and kitchen painted - that would help but, of course, it depends on the cost.
What I do know is that nearly 26yrs ago, I married a man who has stood by me through thick and thin (literally), who is as patient as the day is long and who gets that right now I just need to be, and not do (which can be frustrating, I know, when we have so much we want to do to the house before we put it on the market - I get that totally). For this man, I am totally thankful !
Linking in with Rhianna from
for Thankful Thursday.
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Have the best day that you can !
TFTD : Love yourself for what you are, instead of hating yourself for what you are not.