Wednesday, 21 March 2012

How Do I Change My Head ?

That title probably reads a little more cryptically than I would like but I can't come up with anything better right now.

As you are probably all know, my weight loss (or lack thereof) is a big part of my life.  While it doesn't define who I am, it certainly impacts on how I feel and how I act.  I have been trying really hard to lose these excess kilos as we were planning a winter holiday in Canada/USA and I figured that being bundled up in snow gear would already add 10-20kgs onto me never mind if I was 20 kilos heavier to start with - which would see me looking 30-40kgs heavier than I actually am.

So the quest began.  The LnE was in full force Monday - Friday and I was really careful about what I ate on the weekend and the weight started to move - nicely.  Then Christmas hit and, while it is only one day, A and I were both off between Christmas and New Year and we indulged - a little too much and some of the weight came back (as it does).  And then the battle started - over the period of 6 weeks I lost the grand total of 0.3kgs.  This was on top of doing LnE and exercising for 60-75mins 6 x week.  I was demotivated and frustrated and, on one hand wanted to pack it all in, but on the other hand knew I couldn't because of those bloody photos that would be taken.

I went and spoke to my Dr and spoke to her about coming off the pill and she recommended the low calorie diet that I am on.  I made the appointment with my naturopath and she told me what I had to do and I have been doing it - for 15 days and have lost 6.5kgs.  I go back to her next Monday to start the next phase of this diet.

What is doing my head in is the numbers on the scale.  I would LOVE to say that I don't care what they are so long as my clothes fit me but I would by lying - I DO care what they are.  I DO have a number in my head that I want to see on those scales.  But right now, with clothes on, I look at myself in the mirror and think that I DON'T look that bad.  A and K both say how good I am looking and that I don't look like I am over-weight BUT it doesn't help to change that number in my head.

When I got married I weighed 45 kgs - yes at 5'7" I was too thin.  I liked to be around 50-52 - I felt healthy and I felt good in whatever I wore.  I don't want to say that because I am closer to 50 than 40, it is OK for my weight to be closer to 75kgs than 65kgs - those were obscene numbers for me when I was younger and I think that there is still a part of me that thinks those numbers are obscene and doesn't want to see them on the scale. 

Why can I not get my head around the fact that IT IS ONLY A NUMBER ?  Why is it so important to me WHAT THAT NUMBER IS ?  Why will I try to kill myself to get to that number when, in all likelihood, I will not be able to maintain that weight when I get there and then I feel like a total failure when I bounce right up to a number that my body feels it can sustain ?  Sometimes it is those last few kilos that nearly kill me and I don't want to go there again - I want to be able to indulge occasionally without feeling like I have to deprive myself for the next week.  I want food NOT to be the whole focus of my being.  I want to accept that my body will never look like it did 26 years ago - AND THAT IT IS OK TO ACCEPT THAT.  Why can't I get my head around this - it shouldn't be this hard !!!!!

Sometimes things are just too difficult !


  1. Ohhhh honey I feel for you... I'm glad you realise that those were obscene numbers form years gone by (holy heckdoodles, I'm 5'2 and if I weighed 52kg, I'd be permanently wearing a bikini, but I'd also look sick! Add an e tra 6kg and that is where I am at!!!) it took me a long, long, I'm still getting there time to understand that if I am exercising, and eating healthy (I use my fitness pal to track) then I am serving my body well and it will do what it needs to over the time it needs to do it. A lot of that came when I started being kinder to myself, scheduling in self care for Lyndal time and generally working on my confidence and self esteem. Unfortunately I don't think there is A magic trick - short of putting your scales in the bin! But I do know, that you have SO much support every step of the way, even when you feel you have 'failed' be ause really, what you are doing is honestly serving you well, regardless of those darn numbers

  2. oh boy, I too feel for you.
    I am in the zone again...and my scales are going down too! Don't think mine will ever get into the 50's, don't think they have been there since I was a kid !
    Don't ever think you are a failure...coz that your're not! Sending some positive energy...xx

  3. Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses lovely. As long as you are fit, healthy and eating a well balanced diet numbers on a scale shouldn't matter.

  4. I am with you. That damn number should not be so important. Why is it I wonder? I am trying to not obsess too much and be kinder to myself. Only time will tell if I can do it but it is a plan.
    Many hugs

  5. I sooo understand you!! Weight loss is such a challenge. It is easy to put it on but bloody hard to get it off.
    Keep at it! You are doing such a great job. xox


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