I Must Confess ........

I know that last week's linky was about embarrassing moments but seeing as I am getting old and not quite up to speed as everyone else, I am going to blog about it this week instead of last week !!! And, because Kirsty isn't too fussed about what our confession is about, I figure it is OK to be a week out of sync with everyone else !

My name is Me and I am over-weight fat. There is no two ways about it. There is really no polite way to put it. I am fat. Bottom line (no pun intended - OK maybe just a little pun intended !) - I am the biggest I have been since I was 38 weeks pregnant over 21 years ago. Last week I put on 4.3kg. Yes, I ate no sugar, no wheat, no dairy and I put on 4.3kgs. Maybe it is all the protein and healthy fruit and veg that I have been eating !!! Seriously, it has to be the medication because what the hell else could it be ???????

But, it is very difficult to walk around with a sign on my forehead saying "I am this big because of the medication I am taking " - isn't it ? And, in actual fact, I'm not even taking the medication anymore although I have been told that it will still take a while for my system to get rid of all the medication and things may be slow after that. Well thank you for that small gem of NOTHING !!

Anyway, my confession is about how I went walking on Saturday and landed up with chaffing on my butt cheeks ! Yes, you read that correctly - my butt is now so big, my cheeks chaff each other while I am walking. As do my tuckshop arms.

This is where I wish I was walking

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This is something I didn't know because I have never done any exercise at this weight. You better believe that the last time I weighed this much the last thing on my mind was exercise - all I wanted to do was GET THE BABY OUT !!!! (She - although we didn't know she was a she at the time- was two weeks late) and I didn't walk anywhere - I waddled. I was surprised that nobody called the Whale Protection Services (or whatever they are called) when I was out because I certainly bore a close resemblance to a whale - thank goodness I was never in togs so they didn't have to worry about a beached whale !!

And my poor feet - I don't think they knew what had hit them during the walk. I set off for the PO because I mistakenly thought that if I posted my latest PBSD stuff at the PO and not at a satellite collection box, it would go sooner. Well that was wrong - it only gets collected at 5pm Monday - Friday so it makes no difference. But that is OK - except that from the shopping centre, I decided to turn left instead of right, not really thinking about how far left I would have to go before I got to a road going left that would take me back to the road that I needed to be on to get home. By the time I realised what I had done it was too late to turn back as it would have taken me longer to walk home from there than to carry on the way I was going. So, there I was, pounding the streets, at 10mins p/km (so sad when I think of what I was running previously BUT I am not going to compare - well not a lot anyway !!!) and my poor feet had to put up with the extra 'I don't know how much force because of the extra weight I am carrying' going through them. No wonder they were screaming at me for the last 2kms. I landed up walking 6.22km in 1 hr 1 min. Apart from the above complaints, I felt fantastic when I was finished. Not so much because of how far (or not) or how fast (or not) I had walked - but more because I had actually just got out there and done it, without looking for an excuse about why I couldn't do it. This week I had committed to walking three days - I have done two as I managed to get out for a shorter walk on Sunday.  Clearly Runkeeper does not like to work when my phone is shoved down the waistband of my pants as I had only gone about 600m when it was telling me I had done 1km in about 6 mins - which would have been absolutely fantastic if I hadn't only been walking 1km in 10mins the day before !!!!  I knew it was stuffed so I reset it and then had to carry my phone the rest of the way so that temperamental Runkeeper would work properly !!!!  While it isn't the three that I committed to, it is better than the zero walks which I have been averaging for the past too many months !!!!

I have to carry my phone because the iPhone holder that I have causes too much chaffing under my arm. I am getting to the point where the bigger exercise clothes that I bought a few months ago are getting too small for me. Do I go out and buy some more or do I squish myself as best I can into them for a few more weeks while I wait to see if this weight starts to move ? Am I going to embarrass myself even more if I continue to wear clothes that, while they aren't exactly too small, they are very close to it ? Is someone going to be wearing the Judgey McJudgey hat that I sometimes have on ? Are they going to look at me and say "Goodness - doesn't she have a mirror at home ? Didn't she look at herself before she walked out the door ?" Or is it all in my head and nobody is actually looking at me anyway because, aside from the fact that I am large and out exercising, there really is no reason for anyone to look at me ?

No matter, I have to do this for me. I need to do this for me. I need to be exercising because I feel so much better when I exercise. I need to get out there and get those endorphins flowing again. I need to get out there and improve my time and my fitness levels. I need to get out there so that I can improve my self esteem. I need to get out there so that I can be an example for A and K. And, most importantly, I want to get out there again - I have missed the above feelings from not exercising like I used to. It has been all too easy to slip out of the habit and now I need to work on getting back into the habit.

Rhianna from The Parenting Life tweeted about a squatting challenge which I think I may try. And, if I am going to do that I could just as well start my daily planking session. So, with those two exercises and my walking, it looks like I am on my way to getting my fitness levels back to where they were (hopefully without too much pressure from me about 'the good ole days when I used to be able to do xyz' !!!!)  Having decided to do the above, I started with 3 x 20 squats when I got back from my walk and 1:49:3 of planking on my knees.  Tomorrow the plan is to do 80 squats and somehow build up to 300 squats by day 30 so am going to have to do a little spreadsheet (yes, why thank you, I am the queen of spreadsheets) tomorrow so that I can work out how many I have to increase it by each day in order to get to the 300 in 30 days !!!!

What are you confessing to today ?  Why not join in with Kirsty at My Home Truths ?

Have the best week !

TFTD : Sometimes what you want isn't what you get, but what you get in the end is so much better than what you wanted.