Things I Know About Depression

It's Friday which means it's time to link up with MC at The Miss Cinders for Things I Know - because we do all know something !!  Today I am also linking in with FYBF over at With Some Grace.

I am going through menopause (just in case you have been living under a rock and are new to my blog !!!) - and it hasn't been pretty !  In fact, it's been bloody awful.  But, hey, it's the luck of the draw - some people go through some cr*p, some people don't even know they have been through it and some people go through hell for a few years !  I think I fall into the category of  'going through some cr*p' - it could have been better but I figure, it probably could have been a sh*t load worse as well !

After putting on about 25kgs in 5 months, my hormone doctor (aka as Maxine the cartoon character although really known as Maura) who had not put me on the anti-depressants in the first place, said that they may be responsible for my weight gain.  I asked to come off them and she gave me a schedule to follow to come off them at the right rate.  I did this.  And 5 weeks after coming off them I have put on another 5 kgs.  So, after being off the anti-depressants for 5 weeks, having cut out sugar, wheat and dairy, I am still putting on weight - go figure !

Yes, I am not exercising as much as I was - pretty much because I am struggling with my knees and all the extra weight I am carrying so I have been working on the Guns, Buns and Abs Challenge each day.  I am now on day 11 and still going strong although, the last 10 squats and 5 leg lifts nearly killed me tonight.

So, back to what I know - stopping the anti-depressants has not helped my weight.  BUT, I have felt great.  In fact, apart from 2 or 3 days during the past 5 weeks, I have felt better than I did when I was taking the anti-depressants. So, in my mind, I am doing well.  I am off the anti-depressants.  I feel great.  I'm doing well.  Not so fast.  There was one day last week when I spent more of the day hiding behind my computer screens crying than I spent actually producing any work.  OK - that is one bad day - everyone has a bad day.

Fast forward to this week.  On Wednesday, the lady that I work with, told me that I had been too quiet and no fun in the office.  Yes, I had been busy trying to reconcile a stupid tax account - and, when I had balanced it, worked out that the entry I have to process, will balance this account but put another tax account out - oh great !  Today, I was driving to work listening to the news on the radio - and crying !  Why ? I have absolutely no idea.  I just felt like I had to cry.  I held it together most of the day at work but did think that maybe I should see if I could get an appointment with Maxine because I haven't seen her for a while.

Got there and had to wait forever because she was running late - as most drs do !!  But when I went in to see her, she asked how I was and I just burst into tears.  Feeling like I huge sook, I said "I'm fine thank you" and she just laughed and passed me a tissue !  I told her how well I had been but that I had had one day of crying last week and just didn't feel that flash today.  I told her I wasn't depressed. I didn't feel like I couldn't cope. I didn't want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by.  She told me that just because I didn't feel like that didn't mean I wasn't depressed.  It just meant that I wasn't on the really bad end of being depressed.  She told me not to be ashamed of it. I told her that I wasn't.  I told her that I had been feeling really really good except for the couple of days of being weepy.

She said that I seemed to her to be very fragile and she is worried that if we don't do something to help smooth things over, I may land up feeling like I did want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by.  She has prescribed a different anti-depressant for me - one which she assures me will not put on weight.  And, she has recommended that I see a dietician because clearly there is something that is not working for me if I am basically eating a paleo diet and still putting on weight.

I called A when I left there to tell him what she had said - I'm not sure how much of the conversation he could actually follow because I was sobbing and coughing and gulping during the whole conversation.  Honestly, that man deserves a medal for putting up with me.  I asked him if he would rather stay in Townsville tomorrow instead of coming home if I was going to be like this.  He replied with his stock standard - For better, for worse, we are together.  And then said that maybe he was just banking brownie points in case he ever gets depressed.  I had to laugh - he is the last person I would imagine would ever suffer from depression !!!  He is all for me dealing with my health issues and getting them sorted out before I worry about my weight - I figure that my weight is such a big part of my life, it's hard for me to put it to one side and just say I will get back to it later.

While the number on the scale isn't the thing that dictates my life, you'd have to be completely blind not to notice that my clothes are getting smaller and my butt/legs/arms/stomach are getting bigger.  I have tried to find jeans in bigger sizes - I cannot find any comfortable ones anywhere.  Tonight I found two short sleeve tops at Katie's and one 3/4 sleeve light jacket at Target.  But jeans - none to be found.  Not even a pair at Katie's in their 'flatten your tummy, lift your butt, hide your muffin top' range. I left that shop with tears running down my face.  Thank goodness for late night shopping so it was dark and nobody could see me !!!!

I know that I will get through this because I have the most amazing support system.  A is my absolute rock.   I haven't said much to K about it because she is starting up her studies again and I know is a little anxious about that - once she has settled into them I will talk to her about it.  My on-line friends are just fantastic. I know that I only have to put something on twitter and I will have a reply pretty soon from someone offering support - even if it is only a comment on twitter that makes me laugh.  I truly am very blessed.  So , with that thought of support and understanding, I will continue to tackle this b*itch called menopause and try not to make everyone's life too miserable !!

On a brighter note, I know that :
- A will be home later today - YAY !
- my brother turns 50 on 17th July - how did he get to be so old ?
- I turn 48 on 21st July - how did I get to be so old ?
- we are going to see Pink on 22nd July - can't wait for this - her last concert was amazing !
- we are going on holiday to Tasmania on 12th August - hope I have enough warm clothing !
- we don't have to go back to work until 2nd September - unless we win Lotto, in which case I won't be going back to work !

Have the best day !!!

Why not link in with Miss Cinders

with what you do know ?
Or with FYBF over at With Some Grace ?



TFTD :  You are not what you have done.  You are what you have overcome.