Friday 12 July 2013

Things I Know About Depression

It's Friday which means it's time to link up with MC at The Miss Cinders for Things I Know - because we do all know something !!  Today I am also linking in with FYBF over at With Some Grace.

I am going through menopause (just in case you have been living under a rock and are new to my blog !!!) - and it hasn't been pretty !  In fact, it's been bloody awful.  But, hey, it's the luck of the draw - some people go through some cr*p, some people don't even know they have been through it and some people go through hell for a few years !  I think I fall into the category of  'going through some cr*p' - it could have been better but I figure, it probably could have been a sh*t load worse as well !

After putting on about 25kgs in 5 months, my hormone doctor (aka as Maxine the cartoon character although really known as Maura) who had not put me on the anti-depressants in the first place, said that they may be responsible for my weight gain.  I asked to come off them and she gave me a schedule to follow to come off them at the right rate.  I did this.  And 5 weeks after coming off them I have put on another 5 kgs.  So, after being off the anti-depressants for 5 weeks, having cut out sugar, wheat and dairy, I am still putting on weight - go figure !

Yes, I am not exercising as much as I was - pretty much because I am struggling with my knees and all the extra weight I am carrying so I have been working on the Guns, Buns and Abs Challenge each day.  I am now on day 11 and still going strong although, the last 10 squats and 5 leg lifts nearly killed me tonight.

So, back to what I know - stopping the anti-depressants has not helped my weight.  BUT, I have felt great.  In fact, apart from 2 or 3 days during the past 5 weeks, I have felt better than I did when I was taking the anti-depressants. So, in my mind, I am doing well.  I am off the anti-depressants.  I feel great.  I'm doing well.  Not so fast.  There was one day last week when I spent more of the day hiding behind my computer screens crying than I spent actually producing any work.  OK - that is one bad day - everyone has a bad day.

Fast forward to this week.  On Wednesday, the lady that I work with, told me that I had been too quiet and no fun in the office.  Yes, I had been busy trying to reconcile a stupid tax account - and, when I had balanced it, worked out that the entry I have to process, will balance this account but put another tax account out - oh great !  Today, I was driving to work listening to the news on the radio - and crying !  Why ? I have absolutely no idea.  I just felt like I had to cry.  I held it together most of the day at work but did think that maybe I should see if I could get an appointment with Maxine because I haven't seen her for a while.

Got there and had to wait forever because she was running late - as most drs do !!  But when I went in to see her, she asked how I was and I just burst into tears.  Feeling like I huge sook, I said "I'm fine thank you" and she just laughed and passed me a tissue !  I told her how well I had been but that I had had one day of crying last week and just didn't feel that flash today.  I told her I wasn't depressed. I didn't feel like I couldn't cope. I didn't want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by.  She told me that just because I didn't feel like that didn't mean I wasn't depressed.  It just meant that I wasn't on the really bad end of being depressed.  She told me not to be ashamed of it. I told her that I wasn't.  I told her that I had been feeling really really good except for the couple of days of being weepy.

She said that I seemed to her to be very fragile and she is worried that if we don't do something to help smooth things over, I may land up feeling like I did want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by.  She has prescribed a different anti-depressant for me - one which she assures me will not put on weight.  And, she has recommended that I see a dietician because clearly there is something that is not working for me if I am basically eating a paleo diet and still putting on weight.

I called A when I left there to tell him what she had said - I'm not sure how much of the conversation he could actually follow because I was sobbing and coughing and gulping during the whole conversation.  Honestly, that man deserves a medal for putting up with me.  I asked him if he would rather stay in Townsville tomorrow instead of coming home if I was going to be like this.  He replied with his stock standard - For better, for worse, we are together.  And then said that maybe he was just banking brownie points in case he ever gets depressed.  I had to laugh - he is the last person I would imagine would ever suffer from depression !!!  He is all for me dealing with my health issues and getting them sorted out before I worry about my weight - I figure that my weight is such a big part of my life, it's hard for me to put it to one side and just say I will get back to it later.

While the number on the scale isn't the thing that dictates my life, you'd have to be completely blind not to notice that my clothes are getting smaller and my butt/legs/arms/stomach are getting bigger.  I have tried to find jeans in bigger sizes - I cannot find any comfortable ones anywhere.  Tonight I found two short sleeve tops at Katie's and one 3/4 sleeve light jacket at Target.  But jeans - none to be found.  Not even a pair at Katie's in their 'flatten your tummy, lift your butt, hide your muffin top' range. I left that shop with tears running down my face.  Thank goodness for late night shopping so it was dark and nobody could see me !!!!

I know that I will get through this because I have the most amazing support system.  A is my absolute rock.   I haven't said much to K about it because she is starting up her studies again and I know is a little anxious about that - once she has settled into them I will talk to her about it.  My on-line friends are just fantastic. I know that I only have to put something on twitter and I will have a reply pretty soon from someone offering support - even if it is only a comment on twitter that makes me laugh.  I truly am very blessed.  So , with that thought of support and understanding, I will continue to tackle this b*itch called menopause and try not to make everyone's life too miserable !!

On a brighter note, I know that :
- A will be home later today - YAY !
- my brother turns 50 on 17th July - how did he get to be so old ?
- I turn 48 on 21st July - how did I get to be so old ?
- we are going to see Pink on 22nd July - can't wait for this - her last concert was amazing !
- we are going on holiday to Tasmania on 12th August - hope I have enough warm clothing !
- we don't have to go back to work until 2nd September - unless we win Lotto, in which case I won't be going back to work !

Have the best day !!!

Why not link in with Miss Cinders
with what you do know ?
Or with FYBF over at With Some Grace ?


TFTD :  You are not what you have done.  You are what you have overcome.
 

44 comments:

  1. My love first thing you are NOT old. You are an amazingly caring, kind and determined women is just going through changes in life that you've been thrown. You are NOT old, you a greatness. Be kind to yourself, and tell that amazing woman of yourself all the GREAT things about her. We all have stuff that's happening be it going through changes as you are, or other life struggles.

    Much love to you my dear sweet, kind, thoughtful, considerate, inspiring friend. X

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    1. Thank you for all your lovely words dear Trudie ! Today I am feeling heaps better - and less weepy - thank goodness - I've had enough tears to last me a while !!!
      Take care of yourself in your count down !
      Love, hugs and positive energy !
      Me

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  2. I think I am in the same boat as you.
    I have been going through menopause for 8 years now... 8 years of moodiness and HOT FLUSHES from hell.
    I take anti-depressants too... quite a high dose.
    I put on weight too... but that was just from comfort eating.

    It is good to know you are getting help and support from your family and cyber community. It does help knowing you are not alone in this nightmare called menopause.

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    1. Oh Chris - 8 years - I don't think I can do that. These new anti-depressants while they should help with sleeping, hot flushes and something else - they could also make them worse - well thank you for that !!!
      I think if I had put on weight from comfort eating I wouldn't be so upset because there would be a reason for it but after having cut out all the cr*p, I just don't get it.
      For sure it helps knowing that I am not alone through this and if there is anyway that I can help someone going through this, I am only too happy - even if it is just to lend an ear and be someone who has been there and totally understands.
      Have a great weekend !
      Me

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  3. Yep 48 is old!! Just kidding!! At 48 my youngest will be 14 and life will be so much easier!! My dads birthday is the 17th and my sister thinks I should have the baby then although only during the day, I will be shot if Origin is missed!! I am so jealous you are going to see Pink, I went 5 years ago and she was amazing!! Have a fab time with A!! Everything will work its self out!!

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    1. LOL - some days I think - pffttt 48 - spring chicken and other days I think oh man, I'm so old !!!!!
      Yes, you wouldn't be popular if Origin 3 was missed - as I've said before - 21st is the best day !!!!
      Yes, I am hanging on the thought that everything will work itself out the way it is supposed to !!
      Love, hugs and positive energy !
      Me

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  4. My dear, you've had a rotten run. You poor thing! But look how positive you are about other things in your life - you're amazing!

    Hope you have a great time at Pink ☺

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    1. Thank you Lovely Lady !!! I'm sure Pink will be great - I know how what a fantastic stage prescence she had the last time we saw her.
      Have the best weekend !
      Me

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  5. I found it rather amusing that on one line you are old at 48 and the next you are off to a P!nk concert! I think that some days it is ok to just be sad. As long as it is not all day every day sometimes our bodies just need to get it all out. Sending you lots of fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you lovely lady, there are wonderful things on your horizon, I just know it xx

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    1. LOL - I think Pink crosses a very wide age spectrum !!!
      Some days I don't feel that old - other days I feel like I am about 100 !!
      Have the best day !
      Me
      PS - Go the Aussie cricket team !!! Or maybe it should be Go Ashton Agar !

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  6. Menopause. Geez, life throws women some big curved balls. I am so impressed with how you're tackling it head on. Thank you for sharing and have a great time at Pink. She is awesome x

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    1. That is for sure - sometimes they are just big sucky curveballs with a bit of a drop added for good measure (sorry if you aren't a baseball fan - that may not make any sense !!)
      I am sure that we will have a great evening at Pink - she certainly knows how to put on a show !
      Have the best day and thank you for stopping by. I tried to follow you back to your blog but was unable to.
      Me

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  7. You are awesome, so shush!! It sounds like you've been through the wringer, you poor thing. I really admire how you manage to be so cheerful and sunny despite all this. Take care of yourself xo

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    1. Thank you Lovely Lady !!! There are days when it feels like I have been pulled through the wringer but actually I thought I had been doing really well. I guess not thinking about the levels of depression that you get made me think that it was all good !
      Have the best weekend and take care !
      Love, hugs and positive energy !
      Me

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  8. Wow, you going through a lot and have such a positive attitude. Depression is a very strange illness - it sounds like you are taking each day as it comes, allowing yourself some transgressions and enjoying the brightness wherever you can find it. Good on you!

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    1. Thanks Danya - yes, it really is a case of taking each day as it comes. I am trying to stay up beat and most of the days I get it right - just sometimes I don't quite make it and I have to remember that that is OK.
      Have a great weekend !
      Me

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  9. I know all about anti depressants which make you gain weight. Just one of the many side effects. I don't like to flog my blog on your comments, but it would be easier - if you have a few spare weeks as it's a long one! - just to ask you to read my post on depression rather than trying to explain it all to you: http://www.oculusmundi.com/1/post/2013/02/swimming-in-the-soup.html if you are interested. I totally understand if you don't want to wade through it though!

    Depression lies. And yes, there are stages of it. It does sound like milder depression to me, but then again it can also take AGES for our brains to get get used to no longer being on antidepressants and there's the hormone fluctuations you are dealing with. No wonder you are upset some of the time.

    Have you ever seen a psychologist? I had 18 sessions over two years with two different psychologists (related to anxiety and depression) who taught me Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which gave me a real insight into how my mind works. They gave me a lot of tips and tricks for getting through the harder days. I have quite a few mental health issues - and you certainly sound pretty "normal" compared to me :) - but they really helped me.

    You can get 9 sessions bulk billed if your GP refers you using a Care Plan. You may have to pay a little more if the shrink charges above the bulk billing rate. With David I paid $30 a session, the rest was covered by Medicare. With Amanda I paid nothing.

    CBT and psychologists visits were NOTHING like I had anticipated. David in particular gave me practical tips straight away, diaphragm breathing, challenging my thoughts, stopping my catastrophic thinking and language. We barely touched on my childhood or my parents or any of that, only what he needed to know to diagnose me. He was very practical and goal orientated. Amanda and I reinforced those CBT goals and went deeper, into my faulty schemata. But, as I say, I have many mental health issues. Of course, like anything else, finding the right psychologist can be tough, I was very lucky.

    Anyway, sorry for waffling. Just wanted to throw that out there, as often people are scared of the idea of psychologists or don't understand what they do. I certainly didn't. My doctor basically made me go to David the first time because my BP was skyrocketing and he wanted me to get help with the anxiety. I am very grateful he did :)

    I hope things improve for you very soon. Be kind to yourself. You are doing very well under very difficult circumstances, and thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. And sorry for the length of the comment!

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    2. Please don't ever apologise for the length of your comment - especially one as informative and helpful as yours !!!
      Thank you Oculus Mundi for taking the time to put this all done to help me - this is what I love about online friends - everyone helps where they can ! Thank you for these suggestions - I have tried a psychologist who was fantastic for my anxiety attacks. I hadn't really thought about levels of depressions to be honest - I realise now that I probably should have !!
      Have a great day and thank you, again, I really appreciate your comments.
      Love, hugs and positive energy !
      Me

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  10. Your attitude towards life is beautiful, and it means that you will get through this. Your husband sounds like a gem - not for putting up for you, but for knowing your worth and being able to help you through the tough times.
    The weight bit makes me angry - as if you don't have enough to put up with, you have to put on weight too. I think I might skip the whole menopause thing, if that's OK?!
    It's great that you are doing the exercise challenge and succeeding - it is a good feeling.

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    1. FOr sure A is a total gem - honestly - he needs a gazillion medals for putting up with me !!!
      You may be one of the lucky ones who skips menopause completely - I believe there are some lucky people around - I haven't met any but apparently they do exist !!!
      Yes, exercising is a great feeling although I was just thinking I may give the leg lifts a miss tonight - my back has been aching most of the day and nothing I do seems to be helping it - see how I go when I get home.
      Have the best weekend !
      Me

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  11. You sure do have a lot of awesome things coming up in the next little while! Menopause sounds like a living nightmare. I am so not looking forward to that. I'm glad you're feeling good emotionally. We all have our bad days as you say, so don't be too hard on yourself. The weight gain totally sucks but you sound like you're in the right mindframe and have it all under control. Good luck and have a wonderful weekend.

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    1. Thanks Renee - I am trying to remember that one bad day doesn't make it all totally screwed up - it is just one bad day with the opportunity to have a better day the next day !
      You have a wonderful weekend too !
      Me

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  12. That man is such a keeper :) I love that you guys are so squishy towards each other after so long :)

    You're not old you know. You're as young as your brain feels, and I KNOW your brain doesn't feel old. Our bodies have a mind of their own... which is a complete pain in the bum - I am so over my knees thinking getting stuck in the bent position is cool! But the good thing is, you are so in tune with your body and you pick up on things so quickly.

    I'm not looking forward to menopause, I think I am going to be horrid and I so don't want to be.

    I'm glad now that I sent your email before reading this post... Hopefully you'll have a bit of a laugh to yourself while you read the attachment :)

    Sending you lots of love and clarity my friend xxx

    MC x
    #thingsiknow

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    1. Thanks MC - I love that we still love each other and are still best friends after so many years together !!!
      I loved your email - it did make me laugh - so a huge big thank you for that !!
      Have the best week !
      Me

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  13. I really can't imagine at the moment going through menopause - I've got enough o deal with depression and our marriage at the moment! I'm so glad you are getting through this though and your blogging about it surely helps you get it all out and process things. xxx Judy

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    1. Unfortunately we don't get to choose when or how we go through menopause. If I could wish that nobody would go through it, that would be my wish. I'm so sorry to hear that things are not well in your marriage - you know I am always here if you need someone to chat to.
      Absolutely blogging about it helps because I get reassurance that I am not alone in this.
      Have the best day that you can and wishing you happiness and clarity in your future !
      Me

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  14. You really are an inspiration. Despite what you're going through, you're keeping your head held up high and calling on your supporting network.
    And 48 is just a number! It's all about attitude. And it's obvious you have such a positive one!

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    1. Thanks Grace - you are right. 48 is just a number - sometimes it seems like an old number and sometimes I feel like I am still in my 20's !!!
      Have a great weekend and thanks for hosting FYBF - it's such a great linky !
      Me

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  15. Good on you for recognising your moods and doing something about it. That's the hardest step and you've done it. It sounds like you have an awesome support system too. Good luck with moving ahead and coming up out of the depression dip. That's the thing about depression, it never really goes, but our mechanisms to cope with it just get better. xx

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    1. That is so true - our mechanisms to cope with depression etc just gets better - thank goodness !!!!
      Have the best day !
      Me

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  16. Depression sucks. Big time. Sorry to hear you've been having a bit of a bumpy patch. Oh and I hear ya about clothes not fitting!!!!!

    I've been thinking about cutting back on my medication to see if I'd be okay but then ... I figure things are so good now, why upset the apple cart?!

    Big hugs!

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    1. LOL - I think that was the hardest thing for me was that I have had 5 weeks of feeling really good - except for the 2 days. I'm really just trying to take it one day at a time - I know that if I could find out what the issue is with my weight, I would be so much happier.
      Have a great day !
      Me

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  17. Sorry to hear that you are going through this. Depression is not fun but by the sounds of things, you are doing all the right things to keep you on track. Love that I've stumbled across your blog. Keep smiling :) x

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    1. Thanks Neets ! It truly is a case of finding what works for me because apparently everyone is so different !!
      I would love you leave your blog address if you have one next time you stop by so I can have a read of your blog.
      Have the best day !
      Me

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  18. Keep smiling we love you, you are sharing your journey and we are coming along for the ride with you not against you, supporting you from afar xxx

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    1. Thank you Rae ! Your support is so appreciated !!!
      Have a great day !
      Me

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  19. Oh you lovely thing, you. Your comments always put a smile on my face - if only I had something insightful, witty, or both, to return the favour.

    One thing I will say - I love me some elastic wasitbands, even on my jeans! Good luck with the jeans search, and if I do think of a disamingly witty and heartfelt comment that may cheer you up, I shall return with it....

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    1. LOL PP - I'm glad that I can put a smile on your face - my work here is done !!!
      Your posts never fail to crack me up - I think your witticism and insightful writing goes into them - don't worry about being either of those in your comments !!!
      Well the elastic waistband jeans didn't work out that well - seems like I will need to lose some weight before I can fit into them !!
      Have the best day - let the count down begin !!!
      Me

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  20. Oh honey, I think you just have to see all of these gorgeous comments to know what kind of person you are, and how much you're loved! I'm so sad to hear you've been having a bad time, especially when you're always looking out for others.
    A is wonderful, and he obviously knows what a great partner you are, it goes both ways don't forget.
    And BTW, 48 is NOT old, because don't forget, I'll always be 1 whole year and 2 months older than you!!!!
    Take care of you sweetie, and enjoy all the great things that are coming your way xxxxx

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    1. Thanks for your kind words Lisa. You are right - I need to remember that it does go both ways.
      Wow - I would never have picked you as being older than me !!! You certainly carry your age really well !!!!
      Have the best week and good luck to B going back to school.
      Me

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  21. You haven't had it easy but I love how you always try to be so positive! I love that you have all those super cool things to look forward to. I remember mum going through menopause, years and years ago, not a fun time. Bloody tight jeans - mine are killing me - but I can't STOP EATING! Grrr.
    Have a happy week hun xx

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    1. Thanks Em - yes I'm trying to stay positive with the cool things to look forward to - because it sure as hells beats thinking about the cr*p menopause stuff happening - LOL !!!!
      Have the best week !
      Me

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Have the best day.

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