How Do I Change My Head ?

That title probably reads a little more cryptically than I would like but I can't come up with anything better right now.

As you are probably all know, my weight loss (or lack thereof) is a big part of my life.  While it doesn't define who I am, it certainly impacts on how I feel and how I act.  I have been trying really hard to lose these excess kilos as we were planning a winter holiday in Canada/USA and I figured that being bundled up in snow gear would already add 10-20kgs onto me never mind if I was 20 kilos heavier to start with - which would see me looking 30-40kgs heavier than I actually am.

So the quest began.  The LnE was in full force Monday - Friday and I was really careful about what I ate on the weekend and the weight started to move - nicely.  Then Christmas hit and, while it is only one day, A and I were both off between Christmas and New Year and we indulged - a little too much and some of the weight came back (as it does).  And then the battle started - over the period of 6 weeks I lost the grand total of 0.3kgs.  This was on top of doing LnE and exercising for 60-75mins 6 x week.  I was demotivated and frustrated and, on one hand wanted to pack it all in, but on the other hand knew I couldn't because of those bloody photos that would be taken.

I went and spoke to my Dr and spoke to her about coming off the pill and she recommended the low calorie diet that I am on.  I made the appointment with my naturopath and she told me what I had to do and I have been doing it - for 15 days and have lost 6.5kgs.  I go back to her next Monday to start the next phase of this diet.

What is doing my head in is the numbers on the scale.  I would LOVE to say that I don't care what they are so long as my clothes fit me but I would by lying - I DO care what they are.  I DO have a number in my head that I want to see on those scales.  But right now, with clothes on, I look at myself in the mirror and think that I DON'T look that bad.  A and K both say how good I am looking and that I don't look like I am over-weight BUT it doesn't help to change that number in my head.

When I got married I weighed 45 kgs - yes at 5'7" I was too thin.  I liked to be around 50-52 - I felt healthy and I felt good in whatever I wore.  I don't want to say that because I am closer to 50 than 40, it is OK for my weight to be closer to 75kgs than 65kgs - those were obscene numbers for me when I was younger and I think that there is still a part of me that thinks those numbers are obscene and doesn't want to see them on the scale. 

Why can I not get my head around the fact that IT IS ONLY A NUMBER ?  Why is it so important to me WHAT THAT NUMBER IS ?  Why will I try to kill myself to get to that number when, in all likelihood, I will not be able to maintain that weight when I get there and then I feel like a total failure when I bounce right up to a number that my body feels it can sustain ?  Sometimes it is those last few kilos that nearly kill me and I don't want to go there again - I want to be able to indulge occasionally without feeling like I have to deprive myself for the next week.  I want food NOT to be the whole focus of my being.  I want to accept that my body will never look like it did 26 years ago - AND THAT IT IS OK TO ACCEPT THAT.  Why can't I get my head around this - it shouldn't be this hard !!!!!

Sometimes things are just too difficult !