Things I Know

This is a rant and a 'woe is me' post so feel free to click away now - I won't be offended.

Work has been crazy this week but that is mainly because I have been filling in at Inala for the accounts lady who had to go to a funeral in Wagga.

Driving over an hour to work and back in the afternoon is for the birds - I can't stand it !

Getting back to the office today and being ignored and then told the wrong information is very annoying.

Getting a phone call from A to say that the dogs have dug under the fence of the small veranda where they are and then got out of the fence that we thought we had dog proofed SUCKS BIG BALLS.

Having to tie them up on a long rope is all I can think of to do with them to keep them in our yard.  A is talking about having to get the collars for them that will zap them when they get close to the fence - hopefully the zap will be big enough to make them stay inside and not enough to hurt them.

I should have been going up to visit A this weekend but for return flights of $210 plus accommodation and meals, it probably isn't the best time to be spending $500-$600 on a 'nice to have' - I'll just have to suck it up and hang in for the next two weeks until he gets home.  There are too many things around the house we have to pay for.

I got the latest set of plans for the granny flat.  Not sure who told the draughtsman about changes to be made because I see that there are still two bathrooms in there.

Looking forward to going home today and tackling the long grass with the ride on tomorrow - here's hoping I manage to stay on it and don't tip over down the hills !!!

Joining in with Ann from Help ! I 'm Stuck for Things I Know Friday !!

Have the best day.

TFTD : Goals are big question marks that as you, "Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today ?"  (Between you and me, I feel like a wimp today !!!)

Is This It .............. For Now ?

On Friday I finally got a phone call from the naturopath at Mrs Flannery's to say that the adrenal support could be taken in conjunction with the anti-depressant I am on.  So I stopped off and picked them up and started to take them.  I also picked up the herbal tablets that my folks brought back from South Africa that helped my sister when she was going through menopause and started taking those.

I had lost 0.9kg between Tuesday and Saturday - and that was good - it was the start of the new lifestyle and there was some indication that it was doing what it was supposed to do (to a certain extent) - losing weight as well as living a healthier lifestyle.  This morning I was up 0.4kg - totally don't understand that as I have stuck 100% to the no wheat, no dairy, no sugar eating plan - but, that is OK - I am sure that in the end the weight will move and, while this is about losing weight, it is mainly about getting my body as healthy as I can, as I get older.

I can't say I feel any better yet - I can't say that I am less tired - I can't say that I feel any different to how I felt last week, but I have to believe that if I continue to feed my body with good quality, healthy food, I have to see the results as some point in the future.

Now - the crux of this post - we had some unexpected free time when we got home from work last night and A had suggested earlier in the day that we go for a walk.  I certainly didn't feel up to walking anywhere other than to my bedroom but I got home and felt bad about not doing anything for so long, so agreed we would go for a walk BUT only as far as BIL and then back.  We got changed and left.  Never before has A walked faster than me.  Never before has A had to slow down so I could catch up to him.  Never before have I walked 1.4km and felt so buggered.  Never before have I walked 1.4km and got home, curled up on the couch and slept for a couple of hours.  So my question is this - is this it for me ?  Is this my exercise regime totally out the window now ?  Is this a short term set back ?  Is this me being too hard on myself and not making allowances for the adrenal fatigue / hypoglycemia ?  Is this me making excuses for why I am not exercising ? 

I was supposed to do the 5km Color Run on Sunday which was cancelled due to the cr*ppy weather on Saturday - I wasn't expecting to run the 5km but after my pathetic attempt at a walk last night, I very much doubt I would have even made the 5km on Sunday. 

Is this what it has come down to for me, for now ?  Battling to walk 1.4km after being able to run (albeit slower than I would have liked but given the situation not much I could do about it) 10km not even a month ago ? 

Is this where I have to work really hard on being kind to myself and just let go with whatever is happening until I can get back some control over how I feel and what I can accomplish ?

What do you think ?

And, because it is Tuesday it is time to link up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT.

TFTD :  A bad attitude is like a flat tyre, you can't go anywhere until you change it.

How Do I Change My Head ?

That title probably reads a little more cryptically than I would like but I can't come up with anything better right now.

As you are probably all know, my weight loss (or lack thereof) is a big part of my life.  While it doesn't define who I am, it certainly impacts on how I feel and how I act.  I have been trying really hard to lose these excess kilos as we were planning a winter holiday in Canada/USA and I figured that being bundled up in snow gear would already add 10-20kgs onto me never mind if I was 20 kilos heavier to start with - which would see me looking 30-40kgs heavier than I actually am.

So the quest began.  The LnE was in full force Monday - Friday and I was really careful about what I ate on the weekend and the weight started to move - nicely.  Then Christmas hit and, while it is only one day, A and I were both off between Christmas and New Year and we indulged - a little too much and some of the weight came back (as it does).  And then the battle started - over the period of 6 weeks I lost the grand total of 0.3kgs.  This was on top of doing LnE and exercising for 60-75mins 6 x week.  I was demotivated and frustrated and, on one hand wanted to pack it all in, but on the other hand knew I couldn't because of those bloody photos that would be taken.

I went and spoke to my Dr and spoke to her about coming off the pill and she recommended the low calorie diet that I am on.  I made the appointment with my naturopath and she told me what I had to do and I have been doing it - for 15 days and have lost 6.5kgs.  I go back to her next Monday to start the next phase of this diet.

What is doing my head in is the numbers on the scale.  I would LOVE to say that I don't care what they are so long as my clothes fit me but I would by lying - I DO care what they are.  I DO have a number in my head that I want to see on those scales.  But right now, with clothes on, I look at myself in the mirror and think that I DON'T look that bad.  A and K both say how good I am looking and that I don't look like I am over-weight BUT it doesn't help to change that number in my head.

When I got married I weighed 45 kgs - yes at 5'7" I was too thin.  I liked to be around 50-52 - I felt healthy and I felt good in whatever I wore.  I don't want to say that because I am closer to 50 than 40, it is OK for my weight to be closer to 75kgs than 65kgs - those were obscene numbers for me when I was younger and I think that there is still a part of me that thinks those numbers are obscene and doesn't want to see them on the scale. 

Why can I not get my head around the fact that IT IS ONLY A NUMBER ?  Why is it so important to me WHAT THAT NUMBER IS ?  Why will I try to kill myself to get to that number when, in all likelihood, I will not be able to maintain that weight when I get there and then I feel like a total failure when I bounce right up to a number that my body feels it can sustain ?  Sometimes it is those last few kilos that nearly kill me and I don't want to go there again - I want to be able to indulge occasionally without feeling like I have to deprive myself for the next week.  I want food NOT to be the whole focus of my being.  I want to accept that my body will never look like it did 26 years ago - AND THAT IT IS OK TO ACCEPT THAT.  Why can't I get my head around this - it shouldn't be this hard !!!!!

Sometimes things are just too difficult !

One of Those Weeks

Do you ever have one of those weeks that just seem to get worse the longer the week goes on ???  I am having that kind of week this week.

My weight was the first factor of the downward slide of my week because it was in an upward slide despite my tremendous efforts at eating correctly - despite my almost manic efforts at exercising - every day - for at least an hour - either working with a personal trainer or following the exercise plan of the MKC - despite the best intentions of making everything count.  But it didn't - the scales were up and in some cases my measurements were up to - how does that work I ask with tears in my eyes because that is the stage that I am now at.  How can I be doing everything so right and it turning out so wrong ?

Then A left for Coffs - which in itself I can handle - but on top of dealing with the stupid weight loss (or lack of) issue and my Dad's prognosis - I really wish he could have been at home this week. I need him more than I normally do because, as a rule, I am a big girl who can stay at home by myself without having to have someone stay with me - but this week is different.  This week I feel like I need him at home - and he isn't. 

Tomorrow we have our monthly board meeting - and I think it is going to be a doozy.  I think there is going to be lots happening - and not all of it will be pleasant - in fact, I would put money that most of it is going to be unpleasant.  I don't do confrontation well - not at all.  I would rather walk out of room that be involved in a confrontation - even if it doesn't involve me.  I anticipate a fair bit of confrontation tomorrow - so much so I am thinking of not going to the board meeting.  But then they may cancel it because there will be no presentation of the financials and then I will only have prolonged the agony.  Maybe I will go and get it over and done with.

On Thursday I have to go to the skin clinic to get checked.  It has been about 4 or 5 years since I last went - I am very naughty I know and given my Dad's situation, I have promised myself not to let it go this long between check-ups.

And then it will be Friday - the last day of the working week - with the possibility of A being home - or not - depending on how the sites are going.  The day of the week when I am in the office with only one director.  the day that either drags or flies by.  But it is good, no matter how it passes - because it means that one sleep from then it is the weekend !

TFTD : Love comes in all shapes and sizes and people who share it are very lucky.  They have a little halo around them - Meryl Streep

Mini Meltdown

This is how I feel - holding on by the skin

on my teeth !

I know that in the greater scheme of things, my problems are not huge and they are not insurmountable but for me they feel like they are just getting a little too much - and I could probably deal with them fantastically if the universe saw fit to throw them at me one at a time instead of all at once.

Yesterday I saw the naturopath and she is REALLY happy with how things are tracking which is great except that I had to take 90mins out of my working day to go to her.  Then at 3pm I got a call from K to say that there had been a medical emergency at work that she was involved in and they had told her to go home so could I fetch her.  She saved someone's life which is think is just bloody amazing.

The insurance company have stuffed up the policies and now we are trying to work out what they have done with nominated drivers on the cars.  Then they lost the quote for the repair for the accident K had last week so have had to start from scratch so what should have been 7-10 days of no car is now looking closer to being over 2 weeks.  K has been really good about fitting in and cycling to work etc to get around but it is wearing me down.  Then there are issues with the bathroom - the drop in basins turned out to be under counter basins so the vanity we had designed wouldn't work so we have had to go back to the cabinet maker to try to work out how that can be changed plus the cost is going up because they need to polish the granite for the under counter basins which they wouldn't have had to do for the drop in basins.

Then A got the tiles last night and the feature tiles aren't the right ones so I have to go back after work to find out what they can do about getting the right ones - can they even get the right ones or do we have to go back to the bloody drawing board for the feature tiles ? 

Last night I tried to run on my knee - didn't even get 200m and it was sore, so, as I promised myself I would, I stopped and hobbled home and then went to training where we concentrated on upper body work.  It appears that I am going to have to be patient while my knee repairs and see how I go with cycling rather than running.  Man I miss my running (those are 4 words I never thought I would hear myself say !!!)

We are supposed to be having a street party on Friday night and if the weather doesn't break soon I don't know what we are going to do - I really don't want to have to open my home in the middle of the renos to a whole bunch of people - not sure we could even fit them in on the verandah as there are tiles and mirrors and taken apart vanities taking up that space !!

It will get better - I know - I just need to be patient and put on a happy smile !

Love, hugs and positive energy !

TFTD : People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel - May Angelou

Still Feeling Blue !

So, I won't bring anyone down to my level.  I will be back to post when I have something positive to say !

Love, hugs and positive energy !

Why So Blue ?

I wish I knew why I was feeling so blue today - in the past 2 days 3 people have commented on the fact that I am losing weight.  On Saturday I bought some size 14 togs - that fit me !!! And I have some size 12 pants that I am fitting into - why on why do I feel like it is all too hard and everything is getting too much for me ??????  Could it be just Mondayitis ?

This is just how I feel - blue and alone

 and I shouldn't, because I have so much going for me.

Update at 8pm : Went for a run when I got home - 3.4km at 6'29" per km - broke the 6'30" but still feel like cr*p - was really hoping that the run would help to get me out the funk and clear my head - it didn't.  I have had a shower and am going to go to bed very soon.