Self Sabotage - AT.IT'S.BEST !!!

Since Friday I have done my very best to self sabotage the journey that I am on. I have done my very best to stuff up the hard work that I have put in over the past 6 or 7 weeks. I have done my very best to treat my body with disrespect and horror and yet it still loves me and gave me results that absolutely astound and amaze me.

Fridays are often difficult days because I am generally in the office on my own which means that it is easier to eat things I shouldn't because there is nobody there watching me (or so I feel anyway - I bet nobody in the office actually gives a rats bum about what I do or don't eat). The problem for me is the jar of solid Easter eggs that is on the receptionist's desk - which I 'hid' in the pantry cupboard on Wednesday - but seeing as I was the one who hid them, they were pretty easy to find on Friday. One egg became two eggs became four eggs became six eggs before I went enough is enough. Actually - in between the six eggs was three scotch fingers.

Then, because I hadn't had enough sugar for one day given how little sugar I have eaten over said 6 or 7 weeks, when I went to the shops after work and had to wait for my car to be ready, I stopped at the local Japanese bakery (I wish they wouldn't keep opening up in local shopping centres - I find it EXTREMELY difficult to walk past and not buy anything) - I bought a donut and a coconut cake (because I am actually allowed coconut !!!! - Not sure about the whole cake thing though !!!) - and a Coke Zero - and I proceeded to sit in the food court and read my book and eat my purchases.

Needless to say by the time I finished eating them I felt very, very green around the gills. So off to get my car and come home. I KNEW that, as much as I didn't want to run in the rain, I had to get out there to counter-act the cr*p that I had eaten during the day. But, it was raining, and I didn't want to run in the rain. Lots of head talk happening about whether I should or shouldn't run in the rain but eventually one part of me reminded me that I wouldn't melt in the rain and it would just mean that I would have to run without my glasses which could be a little dodgy - so if I offended the two cars who hooted as they went past by not waving back, I'm sorry - but I couldn't see who you were and I don't wave at strangers !!!!! I had set an interval training session on Runkeeper of 1m running, 1m 30s walking - after the first interval I realised that they were the wrong way around and so I changed them to running 1m 30s and walking 1m. And I ran. I ran all the way to the round about at Paradise Point - and then realised that I was going to get home too soon - so took a detour - big mistake. I did well until I hit the 4.5km mark - then I got tired - but I carried on until I got home at 6.32km in 48:34 mins.

The amazing thing is that even though I am not supposed to be eating sugar or carbohydrates - I was still down on the scales the next day. Had an early start to collect my folks from the airport so no breakfast until after we had dropped them at home and sat chatting for a couple of hours - then too lazy to make a smoothie so bought two croissants from the local bakery and had those for breakfast. By lunch time I was still feeling lazy so had a piece of cheese and some nuts for lunch !!!

We were going to the Suns game on Saturday night so had 1/3 of a quiche Lorraine that we had bought from Woollies. It was such a great game that, even though we lost, we got home and celebrated by eating some more solid Easter eggs !!!!!!!

Saturday was my rest day so no exercise which probably didn't make me feel better but I have come to realise that rest days are even more important when exercising than the exercise itself.

This morning I woke up and jumped on the scale - and I was down again - taking me to the lowest weight I have been since 2007. I was really pleased although totally puzzled as to how this is happening. Listened to the weather and it was raining. I had planned to cycle this morning before going out to meet friends. Part of me wanted to cycle and part of me thought that the sensible thing to do was not cycle. Thank goodness the sensible part of me won that debate - I could be writing this from hospital if it hadn't !!!!!!!

I had so enjoyed those croissants yesterday I was very tempted to have them again today but then realised I was just being lazy - so I made my strawberry and blueberry smoothie and was on my way. At Robina I went past The Cookie Man - well actually I didn't go past - I stopped and I bought 3 macaroon biscuits and 3 brandy snaps - why - because I was starving. Why didn't I make a better choice ? I have absolutely no idea. Am I feeling invincible ? Not really - I enjoyed them but not so much that I couldn't have done without them.

I met up with another friend at the centre instead of the park where we were going to meet because the weather was so cr*ppy and then landed up having chicken burgers from Grill'd (they do make the best chicken burgers)

I got home at about 4.40 and all I could think about was getting on my bike and trying to burn some calories off. I had a great ride - it was a little windy

So, over the past three days I have done everything I can to sabotage my weight loss journey - and I have no idea why. I have been in such a great head space lately and I can't work out why I feel the need to go out and BUY things that I know I shouldn't be eating - because it isn't as though they make me feel that good in the first place.  I know that it is going to come back and bite me on the butt sometime soon - I just don't know when.  Maybe if I can stick to my exercise plan of exercising 6 days out of 7 - maybe I will burn off the excess calories - maybe not - time will tell.  Until then, tomorrow is a new day which I will tackle with more respect for my body and my journey.

Have the best week ever - not sure how I am going to handle working 5 days this week - it is going to be hard !!!!!  Hopefully I won't have to use food to get through it. (Not sure if my TFTD is that I shouldn't worry about the 'extras' I have eaten over the past three days - maybe I have to just put them behind me now and move on !!)

TFTD :  What would you be doing differently if your first priority was living today to it's fullest ?

A Slab of Chocolate and a Packet of Biscuits Angry !

I have been on Lite n Easy for a while now. Two years ago the whole family did LnE and all did really well on it. Unfortunately, I did not manage to maintain my loss and put back about 15kgs which is what I am trying to lose now - plus a little more for insurance !

There have been some issues with incorrect meals delivered or items missed but I have worked with it because this really is the program that works for me. It allows me to eat healthy food and allows me the time I need to do the exercising that I want.

Initially, our food was delivered by midday. Then it was delivered by 2pm. Then it was delivered between 3.30 and 4pm - this was starting to cut it a bit fine as I finish work at 4pm. Today it arrived at 5.20pm - and I had to hang around at work until then or else cancel my order for the week which meant I would have had to go to the shops tonight to buy food so that I had something to eat tomorrow.

What really p*ssed me off was when I called at 4pm to ask where my food was I was told that they couldn't tell me when it would be delivered and then got a little shirty with me when I told them that wasn't acceptable and to please get hold of the driver and find out. After holding for ages, they said it would be delivered between 5 and 5.30. What could I do ?

I called back a couple of minutes later and asked to speak to a supervisor - I was basically told that they understood the issue but there was nothing they could do. Eventually they said that they would get a supervisor to call me back (I reckon it was just another lady in the office) because when she called she said that she understood how difficult it was but there was absolutely nothing they could do. I asked if I could drive and meet the driver somewhere - absolutely not ! Clearly their "we will do whatever we can" didn't extend to actually doing anything more than saying they understand my predicament. She asked why I didn't get it delivered to my home - because my dogs would have it eaten within 5 mins and there is nowhere to leave it without it being visible to anyone walking past in the road - plus it would be in the sun from when it was delivered to when we got home. She said, as did the other lady, that they would mention it to their manager and my response was that they didn't give a rats butt about the problems of any of their customers and that if there was ANYONE who offered a similar service I would move in a minute. She didn't seem in the least bit worried about it - probably because they have the monopoly - and she didn't give a rats butt !!

My food eventually arrived at 5.20pm, the driver was really apologetic - but at the end of the day it isn't his fault - he is only delivering it. But he did say that he normall does 100-110 deliveries in a day and that today he had 135 to do. He said that the annoying thing was that they (the drivers) have told the office before to schedule deliveries to business' to be done during office hours - clearly they don't listen to their drivers or their customers !!!

I was so angry - all I could think about was what I could eat to make me feel better, on another level I KNEW that nothing I ate would make me feel better and that not eating anything was the answer. Actually, the answer was to come home, unpack my food, get changed and power walk 5kms in 45 mins - I still felt angry about what had happened but I didn't resort to stuffing my face to make me feel better - have I finally accepted that eating does not make my problems an easier to deal with ? Losing weight doesn't mean my problems are resolved, it just means I am thinner when I am resolving them just as stuffing my face doesn't make my problems disappear it just means I have to deal with the self loathing on top of resolving the problem at hand.

(A definite plus was not having a slab of chocolate or a packet of biscuits in the house and I didn't even consider stopping at the shop to buy said evil things !)

TFTD : Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter - Martin Luther King

A New Year

Well, it is now 4 - no 5 seeing as it is after midnight - days into 2012 and what have I done about the weight I collected from Christmas - NOTHING !  But, I am OK with that.  I knew I was going to pick up some of the weight I had worked so hard at losing - even though I said I wanted to maintain.  It is impossible to maintain any weight whilst partaking in Amarula, grainwaves, chocolates, ice-cream,  home made pizza and the like.  Note to self - eating chocolate on the promise that I will go for a walk later really doesn't cut it !!!!

But, I am not unhappy with what I did.  There were times of mindless eating (which I really need to bring into check starting now - having just eaten a packet of grainwaves over the course of about 3 hrs !!!) and there were times when I could have exercised but I didn't.  I would LOVE to say that is all going to STOP here and now but in all honesty, I will probably get caught doing it a couple of times in the future.  All that I am asking of myself is that I don't beat myself up when I realise that I have done it.

LnE was delivered today and tomorrow I am back on track.  I know that I can do this because I have done it before.  I know that I can do this because it is something that I REALLY and TRULY want.  I know that I can do this because this is my year - my year for getting to a weight that I am happy at and learning how to maintain it.

This is my year for making sure that we save every brass farthing (OK, every cent - but that really doesn't sound as dramatic does it ?) that we possibly can to make sure that we get to go to Canada later this year rather than sitting in our bathroom for our anniversary.  I was very disappointed to learn that we will not be able to take the train trip through the Rockies as the train trip doesn't run during winter - BUGGER !!!!  Oh well, A will have to just drive us through (I suppose there will be someone who will point out that it is probably too dangerous to drive but hey, what is life is we are not living on the edge ?????)

I have a loose exercise plan in my head that I am going to formalise at some point in the near future - as soon as I get around to it.  I have a firm eating plan organised which I am following from tomorrow (excluding weekends for which I still need to make a firm eating plan that doesn't take me too far off track from the good I have accomplished during the week).

I have a 3/4 finished bathroom which, once I have a spare minute, I will get finished.  All that is waiting for me to do is get the window frame sanded and painted (yes, I was supposed to do that during the Christmas break - along with our tax returns and BAS return and filing of papers and general tidy up - but I decided to have a break instead and so those chores are still waiting for me to do them !!!), the door frame and bedroom walls which were fixed need to be painted, we still need to find towel rails, toilet roll holder, soap dish and shower shelf (long story as to why we don't have those yet but I won't bore you with the details) and the little stand thingy that we bought because the vanity is so big doesn't look quite right so that has to be moved out and something else bought.

We had a great time up at the Eumundi markets on Saturday.  I bought some bamboo pants and a new top to wear when treating clients and they are so comfy - that pants that is - the top is comfy but nothing like the pants !!!!  Probably a dangerous thing because now every time I go up there I am going to be wanting to add to my wardrobe.  We also bought some things from a store called Harris and Scarfe which I have never seen before - had heaps of fun in there and got two tops for $9 each and two sports bras for $49 marked down from $78 - they are so comfy for exercising in - can't wait to run in them !!!!!

OK - it is now just after 12.30am and probably time for me to go to bed.  I started work today and man it was a madhouse - probably should have gone in yesterday - oh well, A and I had a great day yesterday so I didn't really mind the madhouse today given the great day I had with him yesterday.

Here's to a fantabulous 2012 - I KNOW that this is going to be my year because I am going to MAKE it my year - come along for the ride if you are game !!!

Love, hugs and positive energy !

TFTD : Your life is a success when you can look in the mirror and love who and what you see.  ( I LOVE this thought !!!)

A Totally Expected Gain This Week !

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't expecting a gain this week - I so wanted to lose all my weight without a gain but it is not to be. A quick synopsis and you will probably be like me, wondering how come it was only 1kg !!!!

• 2 extra large Anzac biscuits (which in hind sight I am glad I had because I realise that I don't like those particular ones anymore !!!!)
• 1 x street party where I consumed 1 x bottle of Amarula along with the marshmallows I bought for the children only their Mom's said keep them for us and don't let the children play near the fire !
• A lot of grainwave chips at above party because I didn't want to waste them by throwing them away (and I had had too much to drink and not enough to eat so thought it would be a good idea to get some 'food' into me)
• 2 x Christmas parties with too much food on offer and, having been too busy to eat during the day, meant I was starving and ate without thinking
• 2 x Magnum ice-creams - one of which I couldn't finish - but I managed to finish the second one last night without any trouble
• 2 x curly wurlies and 1 x chomp because they were on special at the servo when I put in petrol
• Too many pieces of shortbread at our mangement meeting
• 1 piece of custard and coconut bun (man this is going to be difficult to resist when I am up at that office next week)
• 1 x Cold Chisel concert after we had Nandos for dinner and ate our way through a packet of snakes while we were there
• 2 x mince pies
• 2 x very large chicken dim sims
• 1 x 600ml bottle coke

My knee is still worrying me.  I did manage a cycle on Monday and it did play up a little.  I have found that there are times when I am walking when it jars and is painful.  I suppose at some point I should take the x-rays back to the dr but right now everything is so busy I just can't be bothered to try to fit it in.  In the meantime I am doing sit ups and push ups and core exercise work on my fitball in at attempt to at least be doing something if I can't run.  Maybe I should set myself a date in a few months time and just not even think about running until then.  Will see how I go at training tonight and then decide.

I took Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons off from work - got all my Christmas shopping done on Tuesday and all the grocery shopping (except for fruit and veg) done yesterday so am hoping not to have to brave the crowds again until we collect the turkey bon-bons on 24th and pick up fruit and veg then (unless we go to the markets this weekend).  Even though A wasn't with me I had the most amazing luck with parking spaces - going to pick up tiles, pick up basin, drop off basin, order bon-bons, go to Bunnings, go to Harbourtown, go to Runaway Bay, go to Helensvale, go back to Harbourtown - and in all instances I found a parking space within 5 spaces from the entrance of the shopping centre - man I love it when the universe hears me !!!!

Have a fantastic day and take care !  Love, hugs and positive energy.

TFTD : The less you hear what people say about you, the more you succeed - Kazi Shams

Bugger, Poo, Bum

Clearly the universe wasn't too keen on my happiness over the weekend because today I was brought right down to earth - yip, could have been worse, but also could have been a whole lot better.

Called the osteo this morning - he can only see me Thursday.  Called the dr - he can see me tomorrow so I book the appointment.  Then at about 11.15am I get a call from the osteo, he has had a cancellation for 12, can I get there - yes thanks I can.  Off I got - he is amazed at the change in my body shape - I can't see it.  He tells me about three times he can't believe the change in my body shape.  I start to feel good because I really haven't been able to see it myself but start to believe him.

The long and the short of my knee issue - I have tendinosis - chronic tendinitis.  Thanks so much for that Mrs Knee !!!!!!  Apparently I have put too much strain on it too quickly i.e. I have upped my training quicker than this old body can cope with it and so it is breaking down - once again, excellent work and thank you Mrs Knee !!!!  Treatment ? Take it easy and if I am doing something that makes it sore, stop and if it isn't sore - honestly - I can carry on.  I also need to do some eccentric loading of my quads.  He has recommended that I still see the dr tomorrow and maybe have a scan just to make sure that everything else is OK as it also looks like there is cartilage degeneration (thanks to my age for this one !!!).  So, I am going to have to start looking after myself just a tad more than I do at the moment otherwise I am going to be very sorry !!!!!!

Then, on the way back to work from the osteo, I got one of those heart stopping phone calls from K "Hi Mom, I've just had an accident.  I'm OK but the car isn't that good."  K, my dearly beloved, thinks she is totally invincible, know it all, 19 year old.  So, I tell her to call A to sort out where to be towed to etc.  Anyway, long story short, he goes to see what has happened and they get the car to the preferred repairer for the insurance company we are with.  Then she had to go to Caboolture with him because someone broke an antenna and he had to take one up there to replace it - they are still not home - not sure when they will be.  I was fine until I stopped to see my folks on my way home from work and then I lost the plot a little when my Mom came out and opened my door and she was crying !!!  Anyway, stayed there about an hour (no point in dashing home) and then came home after that.  Unfortunately I stopped to fill up and landed up buying 2 x Curly Wurly's and 1 x Chomp - because they were on special - and then got home and ate them and some grainwaves.  So figure in terms of calories my dinner is done - not so good from a nutritional value but figure sometimes things happen and I need to just accept what has happened and move on.  On the up side, I nearly bought a whole thing of Darrel Lee rocky road which was in the servo !!!! So maybe the CW and C weren't so bad after all !!!!!

Needless to say, no training tonight - I am sitting here icing my knee currently (this is to keep A happy more than anything else - I haven't noticed that it makes any difference and the osteo said that it may or may not help - I don't think it is helping but it makes A happy so I will continue to do it for a few nights) and balancing K's laptop on my other leg.  I was just thinking the other day about what I wished for - and one of the things I wanted was to start getting out of my comfort zones ?  It has just struck me that maybe this is me getting my wish - I wondered how I would deal with it if I was injured and couldn't train - what would I do ?  Well, that is sort of true - I haven't been told I can't train but I have been told that I have to slow my training down because my body is not changing as fast as I am expecting it to and this is the result.  How do I slow down when all I want to do is speed it up ?  I guess I am going to find out over the next couple of weeks. 

Any advice from anyone who has been really into their training and then had to pull back because of injury ?

Love, hugs and positive energy !

TFTD : Love does not require analysis, just appreciation.

Darstedly Oreo Truffles

Mine were rolled in coconut not chocolate


I guess my mistake was making these in the first place but when we have people over for dinner I always feel like I need to serve dessert as well as dinner. Anyway, these weren't as bad for me as ones that I make which are similar except that instead of using philly cheese I use a tin of caramel !!!!!  But, when I get home and haven't got a dishwasher in the car, and it is late, and I sit down to relax and read my book, and then A comes in and says lets take the dogs for a walk after I am all comfortable reading, and we get home from that having walked 'the wrong way' (PMT at it's best !!!) and I just can't be bothered with dinner and there are Oreo truffles sitting in the fridge saying "Eat Me, Eat Me" - I really have to listen to them !!!  Did I have to listen to all 3 4 5 (I think it may have been 5 in the end) shouting at me ??????  Who is the responsible adult in this relationship ?????

Anyway, I did leave 2 which were absolutely bellowing at me when I opened the fridge door this morning - no doubt by now they are hoarse because I just ignored them BUT it was BLOODY hard not to pop them into my mouth and feel that smooth chocolate swirl around my mouth - awakening my taste buds for the day.  While I love having orange juice in the morning (I don't drink tea of coffee), I can't think of  a better way to start the day than chocolate !!!!!

Have the best Tuesday ever !

Love, hugs and positive energy.

TFTD : The really happy person is the one who can enjoy the scenery, even when they have to take a detour - Sir James Jeans