Welcome To My Pity Party

Welcome to my pity party - please feel free to leave at any time !!!!  I do try to post entries that are up beat but tonight I feel like I need to keep a record of where I am at now so that I can look back and realise just how far I have come - because I know I will get out of this funk.  I know that I will get back to being who I know I am - and it isn't the anxiety ridden, over whelmed, irritable, sooki lala witch that I seem to be more often than not lately. 

I don't want to be blaming menopause for everything but right now it is all that I can put this down to.  A suggested I embrace menopause instead of fighting it - he nearly got a black eye for that comment !!!  Who the hell would want to embrace the symptoms I described here (and these aren't even all the symptoms !!!) ?  But I have since calmed down a little and realised that maybe he is onto something there.  Maybe if I embrace it and welcome the changes, they will hurry up and leave (I can always hope can't I ?).

The reason for wanting to document this is because after K was born I suffered with PND.  It was ugly.  It was 20 years ago and nobody talked about it.  Nobody mentioned the "D" word.  I was embarrassed because I was supposed to be the super wife, super mom, super worker, super daughter and I was in the psychiatric ward of a hospital on a daily drip talking to a psychiatrist.  The sad (or maybe not so sad bit) is that I can't really remember what it was like.  I remember lying in bed with I don't know how many other people in the ward, thinking that they were looney's and why was I here ?  I remember A and my folks bringing K in to see me and us being allowed to sit in an empty private ward so I could play with her.  I remember how, every morning, they would soak my hand in a tub of hot water before putting the drip in and how cold the drip was.  If I remember correctly, they did this for a couple of hours every morning.  I can't remember how long I stayed in hospital.  I don't know how long I was off work for because I went back to work when K was 4 weeks old and I know that it was some time after that before the depression hit got the better of me.  I do remember A telling work that I was in hospital for testing for hayfever - heaven forbid we should mention that bloody "D" word to anyone.  I am positive that everyone at work knew.  We just didn't want to admit it to ourselves because we were supposed to be the perfect little family.  I wish I could remember more about it so I would know if that was where I am heading now or whether it is not as bad as that.

I know that right now work is over whelming.  I have 6 companies that I am trying to close for year end.  Tomorrow is 19 days into the new financial year and I still don't have the budgets for all the  companies finalised.  I know that on 8th August, I will leave work in time to get to the hair dresser at 6pm and I will not go back until 27th August which effectively means that I have to get July month end finished in record time - a doable task in a normal month but made so much more difficult because I haven't got the budgets / month end spreadsheets set up yet due to above delay !!!

I know that right now I miss A not being here but, the poor bugger, when he is here, his snoring drives me INSANE - so much so I have taken to sleeping on the couch if he is at home (which I don't mind too much because it is very comfy but I HATE sleeping alone and would prefer to go to sleep and wake up next to him instead of by myself on the couch).
I know that right now I spend more time feeling like I am going to burst into tears than I'd like.  I am not normally an emotional person.  I don't like to feel that I am going to lose it at any moment during the day - but I do.  Luckily I have managed to keep it together and not fall apart at work.

I know that right now I spend lots of time feeling anxious - again, this is not a feeling that I am used to.  While I have spent many years faking a self confidence or bravado that I don't feel, lately I have had feelings of anxiety about unknown issues because I can't put my finger on what it is that is making me anxious.   Except today.  Today it was having to do a huge reconciliation for the bank because the lady who normally does it was off sick.  The stuipd thing was that, while I have only done it once before in December last year, I knew that if I just took it logicallly, I would get it done.  And I did - but I spent most of the time having blood heart palpitations as well !!!!!  I was also anxious about the management meeting which we had after I had finished the reconciliation - I have to do the minutes and I hate doing them.  Nobody sticks to the agenda - they jump around the damn thing which makes it difficult to follow and keep track of what we have discussed and what we haven't - in the end I reckon we did about 30% and then it was time for one manager to go to a medical appointment and the director to leave to get her children from school, so off they went and I went back to trying to keep the other ladies job ticking over while she is off sick and getting further behind in the work that I need to do.

I know that right now I battle to concentrate for any period of time on a particular task.  My mind wanders and I lose focus.  Right now, I cannot read a book if my life depended on it.  I used to read 6-8 books a fort-night - now I am lucky if I can read 1 book in a month.  I cannot follow the story, I forget who the characters are, I can't remember the plot - it's awful !

I know that right now, when A is at home, he and K can drive me nuts with the bickering that they get into with each other.  Why can't they just both be nice to each other ??????  The worst is that it upsets me and I take it to heart and, when I do come through to the loungeroom after banishing myself to the bedroom to get away from their squabbling, they are over it and chatting or watching TV together and I am the one stewing on it !!!!

I know that right now I am not happy with the food I am eating or the exercise I am not doing.  On the exercise front I am waiting for my orthotics because, all of a sudden, I am of the opinion that if I run without them I am going to damage my knees to the point where I can't run anymore or am I just being lazy ???????  To be honest, I'm not sure.  My head definitely isn't in the right space to worry about what I am eating - I really just want to feed my face with comfort food - probably not the best thing I can do for myself because when I eat chocolates, biscuits, crisps etc - I feel cr*p but they are the easy options and that is sad.  I have come so far with my weight and now it seems to be getting away from me.  I have to make a decision soon - if I don't do anything about my weight, I will not be able to fit into my jeans as well as thermals in NZ - and I will be FREEZING !!!!!

I know that right now I am on anti-depressants which the doctor advised will help with balancing my hormones - maybe she sees more of where I am at than I do but she didn't want to say I was depressed.  I don't know.  I do know that I can't wait for them to kick in and then maybe I can get my act together and move forward in a positive way rather than this moping around which is all I seem to be capable of right now.

TFTD : The best achievement in life is doing something you think you can't do.